Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Just going to stand there and let me burn!!!!!!!!!

Just going to stand there and let me burn.....Every team, Every time, I always have a scar to remind me......The very energy that started that very the very energy I will use to gain strength to keep rolling on,,,,,being a true soldier!!!!! I will always go to the extreme that's just it or leave me......i am in search of pure loyalty......loyalty to themselves not just a league......individuals who stand bi there words and there dignity not ones who use all there strength and energy to copy or rob me of my ideas.......I don't stand bi the truth because i like the way it hurts!!!!!!! your either one of two people.......One who stands there and hear me cry........or those who are going to ask hey Karma what is it that made you i ask now don't act like you care..... i don't need pity......I don't need those types of people in my life!!!!!

Roller Derby has given me a lot.....but it also takes a lot......but know when something or someone takes from me......its because i have already given up!!!!! so how can you take something that has already been given to you?????? kinda reminds me of Columbus the hell can you discover something that has already been discovered my friends......just a thought!!!!!!

So many thoughts go through my head........I only try to be better......a better player........a better I have come to a few conclusions.....From this day forward.......I refuse to be swallowed bi the politics of.....i will rise above the rumors that you once used to destroy me......I will not allow the negative ......any negative energy delegate my love...and jealousy is not need to work hard and dedicate yourself so instead of being jealous of someone be the one they are jealous of!!!!!

I am not in it for the tittle "roller girl" I am more than just a tittle you see....I am a true ROLLER GIRL and you cant take that away from your eyes and you will one day realize KARMIC RECALL 911 embraces the end........ for every end there is a new beginning.....I will not hold on to the not I........Nor will I hold anything against anyone......That's not my style!!!!!

I'm not afraid......when its dark I will be the light at the end of the never ending tunnel of life.........of love .....of today........of -tomorrow- that is not promised to you or take responsibility of your own actions.......don't worry about mine......i will pay my dues in full and continue to grow.......all the while you wish you still had KARMA on your side.......I stand alone......everyday......I will pray for all of you who has done me wrong.......for all of you who can not see what your lies that she hides behind and the true chaos it caused.......I may be this and you may be that.......but at least i know who the F#cK i AM!!!!!

I'd rather be "trapped" bi TRUTH.......Then "free'ed" bi IGNORANCE!!!!!


Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Fat Bottomed girls make the rockin world go round...

I use to be a REALLY fat chick.

Now i'm just chubby,chunky, fluffy..whatever the word you wanna use. I have the tell tale signs on me from formerly being huge, and losing it..nothing a few grand and a lil table time with a plastic surgeon couldn't fix..but eh, it's me, you either like me, for me, or you don't, the looks is just the packaging.

I was ok being a fat chick. I got winded alot.. and tired, and lazy...

But eventually something clicks. Something about social power, and semiotics, and lifestyle fantasy. Derby being my new lifestyle..and the social power it brings..

WAIT!!! But what's semiotics you ask? They break down into 3 branches:

* Semantics: Relation between signs and the things to which they refer;
* Syntactics: Relations among signs in formal structures
* Pragmatics: Relation between signs and their effects on those who use them

The feminist movement used to talk about "click" moments. Moments in which you sense something falling into place. (Being a gigantic wilder-beast on skates and how proud I was to say it was me and my fat ass who knocked that bitch down and then saying that I was BORN to play this sport because I was fat, and how everyone applauded my exploits, instead of perhaps saying I discovered that if I just propel myself forward and keep the screaming that I am going to die in my head,and the look of sheer terror off my face, nobody will ever know that excellent take down was purely by accident and I was really trying to save my dental work:CLICK!)

Something about the shifting boundary between fat and unfat. Who is which? Fat is a social identity. It is interesting that I call myself The Fat Girl now, because I am only The Fat Girl to myself.To others I am the giant amazon chick. When I first started at the company i'm at now, we had a different Fat Girl. But she wore ugly lifeless boxy unflattering clothes and looked like she was waiting to have the shit kicked out of her. (I also did the former, but not the latter: I looked like I would cut you and leave you to bleed out before your children if you kicked me). She was weird.She had no social skills, she smelled funny. She was The Fat Girl, not me, and people made fun of her. I made fun of her too at the time, before I learned how badly words can hurt, though not for being fat.

Sometimes now (often?) I don't even feel like a Fat Person, in the way that means "abnormal, subhuman." But more than ever, I socially identify as a Fat Person.

I will always be, in my head.. a Fat Girl.

A Fat Derby Girl.

Which brings me to my point...

I let myself get out of shape. My husband told me about 6 months ago, before GCRG fell apart, he saw things I refused to see.. and he told me "you either ref, and run the team. or you skate, and give the team to them" (them being the *cough* coup leaders) He told me I can't do both. So I kept my team. I let myself get slow and lazy, didnt keep up with my supplements and my conditioning.Then add in a fantastic knee injury.. I struggle now.

But I don't struggle as bad as when I was huge..

But, I will get there.

But this isn't about me. Although I have done a fine job of making it so...

You know those fat bottomed girls you have on your team? You know who I am talking about. The ones who struggle through 25 in 5's, through their 10/4's. Who suck at endurance in the heat. Who need extra help with everything...

They want to be there, they want to contribute, they want to better themselves. Instead of telling them "why don't you just be a ref.." say something like "I see your trying, and let's see if I can help you..." Or even "Why don't you ref, or become a stat packer,WHILE your working on being a bitchin ass blocker, cause we need you out their girl." (derby girls who have been refs first, have a fantastic understanding of the game btw)... why not words of encouragement. Why not take the time to make them feel like they are vital to the team. Take a few minutes and visit with them..drop them a line. Let them know they aren't some hindrance to the team, holding everybody back.

Because while we know they really are not.. because we are all mostly concerned with getting our own shit done..a lifetime of weight issues and self image issues, puts a crap shitload of stuff in a girls head..

Don't add to it..

Besides.. todays fat bottomed girls struggling through practice, may be next seasons bad ass back blockers... clearing the way for you like Moses through the Red Sea..

And you slighted them...

Goes back to that subhuman feeling...

Everybody has a place.. Even the Fat Bottomed Girls.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010 just know...

I went through over a year of shit on my first team...

I went through a year of stupidity on my second team.

But sometimes, you just know, almost instantly.. where you really belong..

This is my blog.. and it's my opinions, and I am entitled to them..

Team 2 was just..I dunno, I thought it was fantastic because it wasn't the hell hole team 1 was, but in retrospect, it was a different kind of bullshit. There is no sanitized derby, no pretty girl sweet way of doing derby. Derby is derby..plain and simple. I'm not saying that women of breeding dont belong in derby, but that breeding doesn't give you the right to be an asshole to people who don't look like you, or act like you..because sweet cheeks.. derby is filled with people who dont look like you, have the same socio economic background as you.., or education level as you. If you judged everybody with those perimeters.. you'd be kinda fucked..

So what, someones child looks off, or their tooth is rotten, or somebody else is chubby or lazy, or what you deem trashy..I have found, that people who tend to pick on other people, especially with the guise of being better than they are, usually have some serious deep seeded issues themselves..

So we took the team name, and made it a league name, and merged it with another areas team.. for various reasons,and made a big superpower of derby girls.Originally we had the ones who didn't go with the others going to travel and join us..but they either pussed out because the drive was too far, or they all seriously have some major drama, and I don't need that toxicity on this nice, unspoiled, unjaded derby.

I went into this, closed off again. Jaded. But right off the bat, my contact was a girl who got me, and I her. I didn't need to explain myself, and all my bullshit baggage with being closed off to people because being closed off means you dont leave yourself open to get fucked over, and she didn't need to explain hers..I remember our first convo.. when I got off the phone, I cried..I cried to my husband, because every time derby drama happens, I cry and think maybe I am crazy..because I try to do the right thing and do right by people, but I keep getting fucked over.

But after that convo, I realized.. I am not crazy.. and that girl got me. We have an understanding..

So I went to practice with a renewed sense of hope in derby, instead of leaving it altogether.

They say the 3rd time is a charm..I think that is a true statement in every sense of the words.

Girls with ink, and piercings, and love fishnet and weird shit as much as I do..we go to practice, and we are not too good to go to the pub afterwards..we don't think we are better than anybody else, or each other.. and we don't do that "ohhh I don't want to be seen with you" bullshit..

And it's weird not having to sensor everything I say..because it might offend a plastic and her sensibilities. Or the lil Meatball with legs merch girl who has to be told what she thinks... I say what I want, do what I want.. and I love these girls..because they do the same, and they make no apologies. They are secure in who they are, and it's not about keeping up appearances..

I have no illusions we wont have derby drama.. we will. But for some reason, I don't ever see the issues we fight about, being about how we looked to so and so, and don't say this, and don't post that because I don't want so and so to see it and think badly of me because I am a business owner with a degree in cow psychology.

Who cares..really.

If I had it to do all over again, and go back to Orange...I would never ever even give it a second thought. Orange doesn't exist to me anymore..while I accept the apology texts I have been's just a closed chapter in my life.

Many thanks to H.A.R.D from Corpus Christi, and Original GCRG's for helping to spread Derby Domination to Lake Charles...

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

"Last night I dreamed of Edward Cullen..."

No shit..except he was a jammer ref and he was packin down the Jager shots and belting out tunes in a rousing round of karaoke with one of my homegirls from Corpus.

I am seriously not even fucking joking!

I really need to look into watching something non derby related before bed..I wasn't even thinking about Twilight!! Or Derby!! Where the hell did that shit come from?

I'm more a Wolf Pack chick anyway..

Before derby came in my life, and everything got a hole... or ink, I was a shitkicker. Yeah a wrangler-ariat fat baby-stetson-kippy belt wearin blinged out shitkicker.

I will just let you settle on that visual for a spell.


Country music is riddled with songs that kick your ass. I still listen to Brooks N Dunn, Dierks Bentley, Gary Allan, and alot of old school country. One song in particular is my derby Ipod song Du Jour, cause the reality is..I may not look like a shitkicker, but I still drive a big ass truck, still say ya'll, still mess with showstock and frequent feed stores. I still have a barn and get horse shit on my boots. You can change the look, but you can't change the heart..

My song....Cowgirls Don't Cry..
Brooks N Dunn

Go look it up on youtube.

Yeah. I know. It's all poignant and related to derby in a non derby

I used to hate people and now I fucking love them. Ok, that may be an overstatement. I'm fascinated by how their minds work, and more often than not, how their minds cease working entirely. I enjoy watching quietly when someone else is at their best or at their absolute fucking worst. Otherwise I'm fucking loud. I'm fucking Obnoxious. I'm in love with using the word "fucking"

Everytime you use the F word in any variation, a metrosexual fictional vampire sparkles.

The Gulf Coast Rollergirls websites back up ..

Here's my most fav pic of my new teammates EVAR..taken by my husband

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Hi..i'm clumsy...

So mom always says I could trip over a blade of grass. A shadow of a blade of grass actually.

Really, I tripped over the cat, with no knee pads. So I am hobbling around with a knee brace. To add insult to injury, when I was cleaning out the warehouse, I walked over this grinder thing..cleared problem. I tripped over it's cord.

So I hobble.

I have been working really hard on my skating, super hard..I think harder than I ever have in 2.5 years..and I always seem to go down on the same knee. So every time I do a fall, despite the thickness of the memory foam on my 187 knee pads. I still feel it on that knee. By the end of the knee is half a volleyball sized..and I can barely walk the next day..


Hell if I know..

Here's my next great injury...and you will love this one.LOVE IT!!!

Yanno when your laying on your back, and you have your skates in the air and you rotate your ankles to loosen them up. Well I felt my left ankle lock up, and I didn't try to push it through, I went back the other way. I continued on for the rest of the night, it was a bit tender. I got home, took some ibuprofen and went to bed. By the next morning it was this huge swollen throbbing mess and I was unable to walk on it.

Yep.. I sprained my ankle..while not even on it.

I got crutches and everything. Ankle wrapped, knee brace, crutches. I am the epitome of sexiness..let me tell you.

It's worth it though. I am making great progress for once, because I dont have to do other crap before I can tend to my own skating. I met some great chicks, and I got my friends that came with me.

Something I wanted to mention..

Derby Drama, we all have it, we all see it. It may be ours, theirs, or people we don't even knows. I see it all the time on the group lists, I see it on other teams facebooks and myspaces..but I am gonna say this..

I saw something today that really bothered me.

Trash talking is going to happen. When people get mad, they say things they regret. Most times, I know in my case anyway, I want to take back things I say when I am mad..but whats done is done. Name calling happens, harsh words are spoken..lots of "fuck you" and "bitch" and "go fuck yourself" Respect is often lost, and won in these fights..

But I want every single one of us to take this message to heart..this is just derby. Rollerskates. Skating Fast, Turning Left..Looking cool. It doesn't define who we are as people, and what kind of person we are in the rest of our life out of our skates.

So what did I read that bothered me? "I say you need fucking therapy... you sick in the fucking head! Go blow your head off and reincarnate yourself as a REAL HUMAN BEING"

I am shocked I even read that. Never in any derby tiff have I been in, have I ever felt the need to tell somebody to go commit suicide. Nor have I ever heard anybody I greatly respect say something like that either.

This is derby. To suggest someone kill themselves over derby,not only reeks of the author being sick in the head as well, but needing therapy themselves for suggesting such a thing.Derby is not worth your life, or suggesting someone end their life over it. It bothered me more that someone was capable of saying it, than I was worried about the person it was directed to. Any rational person saw it for what it was, and dismissed it. I saw it for what it was..I also saw the person who said it for what they really made me sad for them. What possesses people to say such garbage?

I cannot possibly think of one incident in derby that would ever warrant telling another human being to go blow their own head off. Nothing of such momentous magnitude that warrants such actions.

Now I realize I am probably talking out my ass, and I have a select number of readers here, and most likely this wont ever reach the people who need this message the most..

But words wound people..and please, choose your words carefully.. and when choosing them..try to contain them to the context of the subject matter at hand. Don't cross the line. And that statement..crosses all moral and ethical lines..

People make me so sad sometimes.

As for me..I have become one of "those people". I am wearing my Team Jacob shirt, my wolfpack bracelet, and sparkly eyeshadow. Yes.. I am going to see Eclipse.. mucho mucho grande excited..

BTW People..

The GCRG's fierce Hurricane Belle's and their lovely Lafitte's Ladies are not only proud to present, but also participate in The Battle For Independence, with our sister leagues, the Cen-Tex Sirens from Temple Texas, and The Brass Knuckle Brawlers from H.A.R.D of Corpus Christi Texas.
A portion of the door proceeds will be donated to Surfer Girl of South Side Roller Derby of Pearland Texas who just tragically lost her son Dustin..

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

To everything there is a season..

I am not a particularly religious person, other than being Irish Catholic..but tonight I found myself so conflicted over something ..I turned to my dear friend Peg again for counseling..

She gave me this..

Ecclesiastes 3
There's a Right Time for Everything

There's an opportune time to do things, a right time for everything on the earth:

A right time for birth and another for death,
A right time to plant and another to reap,
A right time to kill and another to heal,
A right time to destroy and another to construct,
A right time to cry and another to laugh,
A right time to lament and another to cheer,
A right time to make love and another to abstain,
A right time to embrace and another to part,
A right time to search and another to count your losses,
A right time to hold on and another to let go,
A right time to rip out and another to mend,
A right time to shut up and another to speak up,
A right time to love and another to hate,
A right time to wage war and another to make peace.

It's troubled me greatly, the way things have transpired. It's also troubled me the things, that people I once held in such high regard, have taken to saying/posting about me, sometimes based on conjecture, sometimes based on fact,sometimes based on their own perceived notions, and how they have their mindset already,sometimes just twisted facts and on occasion a fantastic combination of all of the above...and it bothers me how I have reacted to these doesn't make me proud of myself at all..

There is a season for everything. Some people are meant to be your friend forever, and some people are meant to be your friend for only a season..and when that season is over.. so is the friendship. It doesn't matter if they are your friend for their own purposes, or your their friend for your own purposes, when the seasons change, your left empty, but a valuable lesson learned. You are forever enriched by having them in your life, if even for that brief season of your life.

I've reached the point of "I want a few close friends and the rest can go on their way" -because I don't "NEED" people anymore.I know who I am. I know my strengths and my weaknesses and while I like some people, a great deal of em actually.. I've learned that I want people of integrity and quality in my life,and the others - are my "acquaintances", not friends.

Friends, true friends, people who truly know you, at your very core, and know who you are, and what you stand for..wouldn't resort to caving into the "mob mentality".The "mob mentality" is just that..people often do and believe things merely because many other people directly surrounding them, do and believe the same things,"the probability of any individual adopting it increasing with the proportion who have already done so". As more people come to believe in something, even if it is hearsay,causes others to also "hop on the bandwagon" regardless of the underlying evidence. The tendency to follow the actions or beliefs of others can occur because individuals directly prefer to conform, to fit in with the people they are surrounded by."Mob Mentality" will quickly form when people decide to ignore their personal information signals (intuition, gut instinct) and follow the behavior of others.Actually,"jump on the bandwagon" is now used as a derogatory term, implying that people are associating themselves with the anticipated success without considering what they associated themselves with.

Conversely,because it's bothered me so much, the things that people that have recently referred to me as their friend, have taken to saying, my sharp tongue lashes out with intent to kill...out of hurt...It saddens me that women I once enjoyed a great rapport with..slowly change due to their prolonged exposure to the "mob mentality". They are in the "Let's Attack!" phase. They use the trash talking as a way to bond with each other.

But what happens when there is no longer a "me" to trash? The "mob" will need a new target. If I wasn't safe.. nobody is. It's just a matter of time before the seasons change again.Keep in mind, your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even truly know you, but they think they do.Should you find yourself the victim of other people's bitterness,ignorance, smallness or insecurities; Remember, things could be worse. You could be one of them!!Those who gossip with you will gossip about you !!

If a person can't stand up and say.. "look, this is wrong,you may have had a problem with so and so for this or that,but that's between ya'll, keep it that way and talk to them about it.. but as for me, I don't, and don't drag me in it!" Then you don't need that kind of person in your life. It comes down to a question of what kind of character do you have. Do you follow the current cool kids du jour, or do you make a stand?

Ultimately,you have to behave by whatever your set of ethics is. Do as your conscience dictates.

Tell me - if two people are wrestling in the mud - who comes out cleanest? Neither.Both get covered in mud.But sometimes - you just walk away and let the other person stand in the mud puddle yelling at you. The thing is - its normal to want to hurt someone back when they hurt you. I am the Queen of this, I even have a crown.I've learned that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.Sometimes when I'm angry, and I have the right to be angry, it doesn't give me the right to be an asshole. One of my worst faults is, (aside from shooting off my mouth when someone has hurt me..)..When someone tells me something about myself it can be hard to initial reaction is to want to say, "yeah..but you do this..". The thing is...when I do that, I don't address my own behavior. In every criticism,there is always at least of nugget of truth I can take from it,sometimes I have to dig a bit.. and sometimes.. its a huge chunk..

Drama. That is yet another grossly over used word. Look at what drama has given us - plays, TV, movies. Drama is part of life. Drama itself is not "bad" - it is how drama is used that is bad. How it is processed and presented. Or how you perceive it yourself.In the future, ask yourselves, whenever you see someone behaving in what you perceive as drama, before you write them off..what could possibly cause them to behave like that? What's the core issue that started it? Many times, what is perceived as "drama" is merely a reaction to other peoples poorly thought out actions or words. Or even other peoples lack of action, (This goes back to thinking outside of the "mob mentality" and making a stand for what you think is right, or stating your opinion when something's wrong. Ignoring something doesn't make a problem go away, it exacerbates it.)..Those words or actions can wound, or hurt, or cause general hate or discontent...and reactions are normal. Hell, sometimes what your seeing is just somebody doing a little house cleaning, a little taking care of business. That's what happens when your in charge, your left with the crap jobs nobody else wants to do..or you have to make decisions that cause controversy...and if and when it all goes belly up..guess who's in the line of fire...the girl who had to do the housecleaning. The girl who had to make the hard decisions. Life is not all stars and lobsters.If something's amazing, it won't be easy. If it's easy, it won't be amazing. If it's worth it, don't give up. If you give up, then you were not worthy.

All I know is, I have to live by the standards I've set for myself - but I can't expect others to live by my standards.It's ludicrous to expect people to..

True friends, can always work out their issues,reach out and try to right a wrong or talk about things before it erupts in a negative fashion,they don't turn their back on each other. They also don't let foolish pride stand in the way..

True friends don't jump on the bandwagon to be accepted..they don't rag on people just because it's the thing to do. They don't perpetuate the discontent... they don't keep slinging mud just to have something to say, to try to endear themselves to the rest of the "Mob", to bond with them..nobody is impressed, and it really just shows your true nature.

If you encounter people like that in your life,then they really can't fall in the true friend category.

To everything there is a season...

The Season has's time to put this chapter away, take what I have learned from it and shape it into a useful lesson to remind myself of how far I have come, and how far I have left to go, and thank the stars for my good fortune of the friends who have so staunchly stood by me,picked me up by my skate laces and dusted my knee pads off and accepted me for me, faults and all..and loved me for it..and to never again let those who didn't, bother me with their reproaches,and unkind words.. because I am still the same person I was 3 weeks ago.The girl you greeted warmly, and smiled and joked with... Just because certain people have decided they don't like me anymore or even find a reason to find fault with a decision that was made and then yet others decide to go follow "the mob".. doesn't mean I have changed, grown horns and a pointed tail, and suddenly started dancing in the moonlight with a goat. You don't contract "the plague" simply from knowing me...

"A right time to hold on and another to let go,"

I am letting go.

But holding on fast, tight and hard to derby....

Look for a BIG announcement shortly...about a massive multi group effort!!! I FRIKKIN LOVE ROLLER DERBY!!

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

WoW !!!! Its been too Long!!!!

wow i feel like its been forever.....and it has.....funny how things work out...or don't for that matter.....many doors may close along the way......just keep an eye out for the ones that have yet to -open- your eyes to the -truth- will set you -free- yourself before you can free -others- will -judge- me no figure it out!!!!

rollerderby has broke my heart more than anyone and anything....half of that is my fault thinking that things will be different ......but they never are.....the politics in derby is what creates a messy just have to find a way to be able to distance yourself and not take things personally......its so hard because we put our full hearts into everything we do especially derby and yet the cheese stands alone......

people you must realize sometimes you have to brake the rules in order to remind people there are rules to be broken......never never never make anything a priority if there only going to treat you as an option!!!!! rollergirls we are a dying breed.....the true derby girls that sacrifice there time .......not to mention our hearts......

I pledge my everything to create a world for true rollergirls to skate create a sisterhood among us......a sisterhood that can never be touched bi the outside influences......the gossip.......or the politics....... this sport has massive potential......its time to be treated as true athletes ladies.....its time to grab the bull bi its horns and then castrate it before it castrates you!!!! a lil karmas logic for you !!!!! no charge!!!!

I absolutely tip my hats off to all the ladies that are in it for a productive reason.....not the wanna Be's ... i just want to let you ladies know i love you for your everything...... and keep your head up .....when all else fails take a deep breath and step back for a moment if need be.....don't push the inevitable.....never feed into the negativity and greed that goes with the false power bull shiznet....

much derby love

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Is this thing on?

I forgot last week..

By the looks of things..people been forgetting this blog alot.

I am dying to know how Karma's situation worked out, How's La Mort doin'?


As for us.. we got some sponsors. YAY!!

And Friday is my birthday, and we head off, we being the girls of GCRG, and our Coach and some refs, and our new Free Agent skater we picked AUSTIN!

We are doing a banked track workshop with the ladies of TXRD. Yeah, those chicks from the A & E Series Rollergirls, The Documentary Hell on Wheels, and Whip It.. (well sorta where Whip It is concerned)

We are so excited we could scream....

Look for pics next week!!!

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

The JackRabbit/Boo Boo Collaboration..

This is a joint venture between Jackrabbit Slams, and Boo Boo LaRue..

I realize this may offend some people..but we both came from WFTDA teams..we are both mutant amazons..this is just how WE feel..

Hey, remember when roller derby was more about strategy and big hits rather than everyone skating as freaking fast as they can?

Yeah, that was fun.

Eff you, Tiny. I'm 6ft2....spend a week skating on stilts with a small child on your back and then you're qualified to tell me how to skate.

If I want help, I will ask. but the first thing out of your mouth had better not be "get low" or the next thing out of your mouth WILL be "oh my god my face, what the hell did you do to my face you psychotic bitch." It's not MY fault that my "get low in the skater position" is basically the same height as you standing upright. I am a mutant amazon. Deal with it. You'll be thanking me when your jamming your tiny ass off and I have cleared a damn path for you like Moses through the Red Sea. My height or my skater position won't matter a damn bit then. Just what's on the scoreboard.

This game needs to be approached from the angle of "what gets people to buy tickets?" because at the end of the day, that's what keeps the league going. Joe Random can spend his Saturday night doing a multitude of different things, so why bother with roller derby if it's just girls going in a circle? Female sports, whoopee. LPGA. Softball. Synchronized swimming. BORING. Roller derby had that weird, punk rock edge to it. It was an anti-sport. It was FUN, and now it's being run by a bunch of teeny tiny athletic chicks with the highschool cheerleader pack mentality who think everyone on the league needs to skate just like them. I DON'T SKATE LIKE YOU, I SKATE LIKE ME!! WHAT WORKS FOR YOU DOESN'T WORK FOR ME!!

That must be one hell of a dimension you live in, but here on earth, EVERYONE IS DIFFERENT. Here's an amazing, earth-shattering revelation: not everyone wants to jam. Not everyone is quick. Stop forcing them to do so and stop shaming them and punishing them when they can't.

When I started skating, roller derby was the most amazing, awesome, life-changing sport I've ever seen. Most days it still is..but I see alot of girls come and go, tears streaming down their face, because they can't skate like "those girls"

I was one of them for the longest time. The tears, the reproaches.

You just gotta find your niche, find your mark, take into account what everybody says in the way of advice, but ultimately find what works best for you, because no one person is going to have the ultimate solution for you.

For me, it was different stoppers, still getting over my glitch from a bad fall, getting away from negativity, and letting someone rent space in my head..

And it's true, what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger..or makes you mean as hell...

Here is me demonstrating the proper way to sexually harrass a hot head coach..

Thursday, May 13, 2010

I WENT TO TRAINING!!!!...freshie training, i helped some of the starter-uppers with t-stopping. i liked being on my skates. i liked seeing the people. i liked it when i made the new girls laugh and do baseball slides. i liked how freekin well they can all t-stop with their bad foot.
but then i didn't go to my own scrimmage training last night. i started to stress about it. what urges i might feel and what actions i might take and where that might lead me...ugh. to be perfectly honest, i've really been enjoying my time off. i'm relaxed and doing creative things and taking time to smell the freekin roses - which do NOT smell like a months worth of sweat that never dried out properly - NICE.

BUT i am playing a fun time demo bout for the Northern Rivers Roller Derby in Lismore, they are staring up a league on the very rink i first skated on. and my mum and dad are coming to watch for the first time since i think my 2nd or 3rd bout, like 2ish years ago. oow. not...yell at everyone....too much

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

"Your playing like Betty White.."

I sat here for a few hours, pondering what to write this weeks blog about. Alot of things are on my mind to write about,and I have a veritable cornucopia of subjects to write about, but for some reason I can't sit here and get any of them to form cohesive sentences, and cognitive thoughts. It's just not happening for me tonight.

Blame it on lack of sleep, blame it on my case of "fight or flight or freeze" earlier tonight, blame it on the 50 bajillion things that run through my brain at any given time. I sit here, wide awake at 3:15 am.

How distracted am I? I just realized that for the past hour and a half there has been soft core porn on Showtime, and I havn't even noticed.
Now that I have noticed, if my boobs looked like that..well..i'd keep my top on. I think his Pec muscles are bigger.Really? Who makes all that noise?

I guess this is a short sweet derby blog..that isn't about derby at all.

It's now 5 am...


"My first name is Blarfingarb...spelled L-E-E"
"My last name in Blarfingarb...spelled S-M-I-T-H"

"So your name is Blarfingarb Blarfingarb spelled Lee Smith?"

"Yes..that is correct."

Gawd I love Betty White..her performance on SNL was GENIUS!

Told you i'm all over the map tonight..with not a cohesive thought..

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

ummmmmmmmmmmm...when is a roller derby blog not a roller derby blog?
i've been to the doctor - twice and a lovely Russian lady who took my blood and a psychologist and i went on the ferry and i went out to dinner and ate delicious Thai food and i've been to paradise (thank you p-dawg) but i haven't been to training...

*Waves Hand*... "These aren't the rollergirls your looking for.."

Due to a high metaclorin count in my blood, I am able to use the force to discern between who is a good fit for our team, and who's not.

I am a Jedi Rollergirl.

However, sometimes my metaclorin count is drastically reduced by this thing called Starbucks, and it seriously affects my ability to use the force in these matters.

Did you know I once used the force to open a Jar of Dill Pickles?

Ok seriously.. all BS aside. I am not actually a Star Wars geek, although on occasion, because I am so slow, I feel like a giant AT-AT on the Ice Planet Hoth..

I am actually a Lord of the Rings freak.. but LOTR didn't really fit my analogy here..

What i'm talking about is gut instinct. Intuition. That first knee jerk reaction when you meet someone. If you went with this, the majority of the time, you most likely would save yourself alot of time and heartache and drama.

I have spoken with some of my teammates about this, and they have said the same thing "Had I went with my gut instinct in such and such business/family situation, I would have not had to do this crap job, or put up with this jerkwad" In my particular case, my man, has the instincts of a bargain hunting bridezilla at the Macy's sample sale. Every single time I have not listened to him about a situation, or a person, I have regretted it. He was right about certain people/situations on my first team. He was right about the rink owner and her groupie at the first rink GCRG was at when it was newly formed, but in that case, I heeded his gut feelings, and protected our interests, and we got out of there with our name, colors and everything that belongs to us. When I don't listen to him..I always, ALWAYS regret it.

Rarely do people escape my own gut instinct..or manage to not raise my alarms. I say rarely. But it does happen. I try to convince myself that the reason I am having these feelings is because of things that have been done to, or around me, that have lead me to be a jaded person..but that nagging feeling always wins out.

Events of late have been no exception. Just like I was not a good fit with my first team, invariably you get girls who are not a good fit for your team. It's nothing personal, it just happens. Be it they have issues with the team, or how it's run..or we have issues with their behavior.Just don't drag it out for the sake of being a nice person. Do what you need to do from the get go. Take action.

In order to have a cohesive have to have unity. You have to work together. No one person is better than the other. No one is entitled to special privileges to the point they can repeatedly break rules. If you think that you are such a fantastic skater that you can break rules without consequences, then you have no respect for your teammates. Petty Jealousy has no place in derby. If you are jealous because of someone else's skills, then fine tune your own skills, instead of downing them for theirs. If you can't take constructive criticism, then you have no place in derby either..because derby is a constant learning process. Trying to take over from the inside is not going to ingratiate you to people either. They see it for exactly what it is.

The point to all of this and how does it relates to my metaclorin count? Had I listened to my gut instinct, my intuition when first meeting certain people, we would have been able to save our team alot of drama and heartache these past 2 weeks. Straight across the board..I had a gut instinct about all of the girls we terminated, save for one. She managed to escape my instincts.

After all their raging, and commentary and hateful remarks and mass emails to the team and endless phone calls to people trying to sway opinions..I now see how exasperating I probably was to my old team captain. To an extent. I was never that bad though.

Moral of the story?

Always, ALWAYS trust your gut.. it tends to save you a lot of trouble further on down the line. And when you trust your gut...act upon it..

I will leave you with a few quotes I have found useful this past 2 weeks..

To paraphrase the great Oscar Wilde "The only thing that ever consoles someone for the stupid things they do is the praise they always give themselves for doing them."

"You must acquire the trick of ignoring those who do not like you. In my experience, those who do not like you fall into two categories: The stupid and the envious. The stupid will like you in five years time. The envious, never."-John Wilmot,The 2nd Earl of Rochester

"If ya'll are so happy where you've gone, shut up and be happy about it, and if ya'll were so miserable where ya came from, then put it out of your damn minds and get on with your lives like we've gotten on with ours." - Coach Diesel Burner-GCRG

"If people would spend half the energy they use being a jackass into the task at hand, they'd be flat unstoppable" - My Mom..

May the force be with you..

Monday, May 3, 2010

Short but Sweet.....Kinda Like me!!!!

To be or not to I forgive and forget so to speak....or do I just get up and leave....Its not in my nature to just give up without a fight......especially if the fight is worth the scar it leaves behind.... for all who is not familiar with my situation at hand....long story short...March 6, 2010.... A cornered cat puts it claws were out and a ref was scratched...(but no blood was shed)...but not before I asked for help....(Not before I went to the captain and the co-captain cant forget about the bench coach) the middle of the game while a referee was playing his own game.....and it was was him against me....and he won....or did he really????

It takes two to fight....cause and effect if you may....What sucks is that this just doesn't affect affects my whole league....I'm not one to take anyone down with me....I am the captain of my own circumstances you I am torn at the heart says one thing and my brain says gut is all messed up and is the tie breaker......I made rollerderby a high priority in my that's my own own down fall....but i will forever stand bi mine.....and am loyal to those who are loyal to me....and there happens to be more loyal to me than anyone can see and for that I thank thee......

So here I broken heart and I.....reviewing the night to the T.....I never said I was right.....but he never said he was in the wrong .....Suspension is what I serve.....topped with some defamation to my character....nothing new..... and he still skates on.....right is right and whats wrong is wrong....but yet only one serves the that's a little ucked fup......

So do I stay or do I leave ....I guess only time will tell.....we will see....but my morality is something that is not for sale.....never has and never will be....

Much Derby Love,
my derby sistas,

Thursday, April 29, 2010

i'm still a bit sore - more my ego than my body - although it STILL SORTA HURTS TO CHEW CHEWY STUFF!! but it's not like we lost by a hundred points or anything..a mere 98 points! hah! nothin!
lost my shit a bit after the game. a year of a half worth of emotional stress and mental stress and physical stress and that regular stress, made some big crack spilled out as some yelling...real loud. i silenced a room, and then got really embarrassed, and then realised i need to take a break and address a few things.

so i'm taking a bit of a break until i feel like it.
that's the entirety of the plan.

i HAVE got a couple of awesome and SSRG complete tee shirt design images trying to get out of this image-maker skull of mine though. YES!

i didn't get to out-eat pancakes anyone after wards. sad face. i was upset. Ruby Footcrusher and i went home, with a bottle of wine (or was that...SEVERAL..?), sara-lee sticky date pudding, milo ice cream and some soul baring OH!

the fog of a weeks worth of fucking fucked upish and down and down and upish and down and down of depression is lifting.
i'm realising that i don't HAVE TO play rollerderby, i don't have to be at every single training and help in every single way i can and play every single bout and ignore most other facets of my life in order to keep that up. but i might still, but knowing that if we broke up, it wouldn't be the end of the world is giving me a sense of clarity that i haven't felt in a long time.
i still love you roller derby, i just need a bit of space, i feel like we're growing in different directions, it's not you, it's me...we can still be friends...xoxoxo sad, but hopeful and relieved face

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

The JackRabbit Knee Bendery Lesson


We have always been told GET LOW! But why? I dunno. Just Do it.Nobody ever explained exactly WHY, we just were ordered to do it.. We always assumed it was to make ourselves smaller targets for blockers, like bullriders and bulls, skaters standing up are "more to gore", getting low never made any sense to me other than crouching down and looking like i'm hovering over a state park toilet trying not to make contact. I always looked at it the wrong way. When I got low, I simply stood up,paused for a sec and then skated off, it wasn't until Jackrabbit Slams explained to to me like this..

"When you stand up to skate, you mostly use your hip abductors (the muscles on the outside of the hip) and your ankles/calves (resulting in nasty-ass shin splints). While there's nothing wrong with these muscle groups, they're not as efficient for providing speed in relation to the effort expended.

When you crouch, your bent legs act as coiled springs, storing a lot of energy. you know how you crouch before you do a big jump? Exactly the same thing. when you kick out with that bent leg you give out a lot more power to propel you forward, because you're using your quads and other large muscles. While it hurts a damn lot to stay crouched for a long time, those muscles will build up fairly quickly and allow you to maintain the posture and speed for longer. This position is actually more efficient than standing up because it gives you more power in your kicks for the work expended.

So get down a little bit more than usual, dig into the track and LAUNCH yourself with a strong kick. Try this for a lap and see the difference."

Oh.. so now ima big ass spring ...

Ass Spring..

Thursday, April 22, 2010

gonna eat more pancakes than yooooou

bout#2 tomorrow! did i mention that we lost the last one? probably not at the time due to some pride thing, true though and fortunate, don't want to peak too early i say!
 i'm all for losing, occasionally,  it gives you a good kick up the arse. for example, if we hadn't lost the last game, there is a 94% chance that i wouldn't have been doing sit-ups while listening to coach talk in between drills at training on Monday, a 76% chance that i would have visited the bakery for pie yesterday when my boss got pie and filled the office with the smell of delicious pie and i'm not going to go into any percentages on the reason that i had cake for breakfast the day before yesterday, but let's just say there's probably a zero in there somewhere...yeah that's right.
apparently i don't get nervous anymore though, despite me freaking out about 6 months ago because i actually had the chance to think about it, now that i've gotten used to the size of our crowds and having time and space, nervousness is like some sort of thing reserved for...uh...something that i just don't seem to be doing right now. i'm still excited, i still want to kick the arse, but i already know how much of my behind will be on display, that the crowd really like the other team more than mine, oh how they will roar if little Rose or Cookie get me down and that even though i might think i'm going to lose the cool that i have the disillusion of possessing, i'm not very likely to. 
so bring it on Liquorice Short Shorts and all your freekin cheering, cheering fans - bring it the fuck on! (and i can totally eat more pancakes than all of you combined afterwards anyway suckers....that's a good thing yeah? YEAH!)

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Kick-Ass! the Guest Blog Spot by Jackrabbit Slams

So, i've got alot going on with me this week, my Dad's in the hospital and being an only child, I get to make all the decisions..and I am suffering from sheer exhaustion..

So I turn things over to that giant rollergirl we all know and love,(besides me) Jackrabbit Slams.


fancy underpants over fancy tights. check.
nickname that describes exactly how badly you'll mess someone up. check.
outlandish hair and makeup. check.

what other sport would let you have a to-do list exactly like a justice-league wannabe
without laughing you off the court? Roller derby is an exceptional hybrid of sport and
spectacle, like hockey meets vaudeville in a mosh pit at a nascar rally. Jennie Finch can't
claim to be a genetically engineered supervixen without getting some weird looks from
people, and the Williams sisters would most likely lose a few endorsement deals if they
started wearing ripped fishnets and purple mohawks. Derby gives normally restrained girls a
chance to step out of the confines of their normal life, slip on a new identity, and rock out for
a few hours. Secret identities and alter-egoes are another side to the retinue of training,
practice and off-skates conditioning that usually gets more attention nowadays. As a total
nerd, I loved the character bios of skaters on my local league's website, and I often offered
to write them for girls who couldn't come up with their own. This is a unique sport, more raw
than professional wrestling, but far more over the top than rugby, lacrosse, field hockey or
football. It skates a beautiful, self-parodying line between theater and athletics, and I
wouldn't have it any other way. No matter how many decimal points WFTDA tacks on to
their ruleset, no matter how many girls choose to let the announcers stumble over their real
last names during intros, and no matter how many uniforms become simple jerseys and
running shorts, there will be other girls out there screenprinting naughty things on booty
shorts, applying too much eyeshadow in livid colors, and brawling it up for the hell of it--
willing to be the Kick-Ass to the "legit" girls' Captain America.

Monday, April 19, 2010

It Takes a Villiage to Raise a League......

Rollerderby has its many pros and cons....its soley up to you and what you are willing to this just an expensive hobby....or are you working towards a a new league my advice to you .....keep your line of communication open at all really does take communication to make anything truly happen......

I have been lucky enough to be a part of some pretty amazing leagues throughout my derby career.....stretching from north Dakota to san Antonio Texas baby......the main problem that all have shared would be the lack of communication.....or the way they choose to communicate for that matter......communication is like a foundation of a house......without a strong and sound foundation its only a matter of time before it all comes crashing down......

In order to have a successful league you must welcome change....if the rules you established doesn't seem to be working.....change them up.....for you newer leagues don't be afraid to ask for help or guidance from a sister league .....don't stop at just one league ask as many as you possibly will find that you are welcomed with open arms.....

In creating your league you must create the rules and the regulations that everyone must being on the many different leagues......they all had a few of the same of them being "exceptions to the rules" now really ladies did you go through all that trouble of creating the rules just so you don't have to follow them....and if so don't be mad when others don't follow them either......remember you as a board member have a responsibility to implement the rules even if you don't agree with them.....your league is going to go through a ton of tests but if you just stick to the rules you will find there will be no lies for anyone to hide behind....if you don't follow your own rules how do you expect anyone else to......

This brings me to a phrase "power trip" don't act like y'all don't know...this includes the players as well as the my eyes this besides jealousy which i think goes hand and hand with power trips is one of the most ugliest things you will have to go through.....if you don't nip it in the bud it will only get worse.....i feel in order to have a successful league everyone should be on the same page....there should be no such thing as sides......if problems should arise and they will......fix them.......fix them together.....if there is a common goal ......everyone has the right to know about them...... are no better than I.....I am no better than you one should be judged on there skill levels.....everyone must follow the appropriate steps in order to participate...this also goes for the refs......if you take the time out to watch the RAT CITY rollergirls documentary they say it best....."the refs and volunteers and your venue are here to assist the league they are affiliated with"......not walk around with a god complex like they are above and beyond your league....mostly referring to the refs at this allow your refs to think they are above and beyond rules and regulations you will soon find trouble.....lets face it there the ones that can control "the bouts" if you allow them to think like that .....then don't be upset when they do need to remind them they are here for you and your league......not the other way around..... your leagues best interest should always be number one......let them know that y'all appreciate them for there sacrifices also but they also have rules they need to follow......a code of conduct if you may.......stop the power trips.......before it gets out of hand......

I would personally like to thank the refs that work with their leagues .....not against them......the refs that don't carry personal issues on the rink......the refs that have good intentions towards the bouts......the refs that help squash problems not cause them.......thank you thank you thank you ......not to mention the volunteers and the truly takes a village to raise a league........

Thursday, April 15, 2010

jealousy's a great big MF

jealousy is my LEAST FAVOURITE feeling. i'm aware of it, but can't control it. i know it's bad, but i can do very little about it, i HATE feeling not in control of myself and i feel all gnarled up and queasy inside like the bad guy looks in movies like Sin City and Lord of the Rings.
right now i'm jealous of another league in my dear city who are putting on a bout in the city tomorrow night, and not a half hour or forty five minute drive away in the sticks at all, like every other bout that's happened in Brisbane. in fact this bout is happening a TEN MINUTE WALK from my house. i could jog there to warm up, forget my mouthguard, jog back and still be kickin it convenience-wise.
it's a bit of a sore spot. they are going to have a massive crowd and all of my friends will go because it's not very far away and then everyone will love them more than me and my league and they will become the rulers of the known universe. so the more i think this out as to how i can describe it to other people, the less shit i feel about it, because it is all actually inconsequential to SSRG. it is just the natural competitive nature of a naturally competitive girl, right?
i would like though to be really, genuinely hoping that it goes really well for them, because part of me hopes that it doesn't and that makes me feel like an a-hole, i guess because it sort of makes me one. but i'm being honest. i could go on about histories and past bouts and a whole lot of bullshit about why my league should be the ones in the city getting all the attention, but none of it matters, and it pretty much all boils down to my angry little ego.

so with any luck when i make my Go Raspberry Bullets! and Go Bonnie Bang Bang! signs and put on my most uncomfortable shoes, which i can totally get away with on the TEN MINUTE WALK and resentfully pay my regular pleb ticket price and get in there with the rest of the crowd, the derby buzz will take over and i will scream "POWERJAM!!!" like the maniac that i am, and try to start Mexican waves and heckle the refs and walk out really fucking happy that i can now watch my favourite sport, comin' to me live, only a TEN MINUTE WALK away from my house - just as i should be

...they might wanna hope they don't run into me in the carpark afterwards though

...not that i'll be waiting...

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

I love my skates

So as I go through my bag of derby goodies, skates, tape, pads, socks...I think to myself geez, this shit sure is old! My skates are falling apart and they are held together by hot pink duct tape. I need new laces because mine are all shredded. The toe guard is almost non-existant on the left foot which I deemed my "fuck you foot" because it's the foot I use to slide around and land on when I fall. and the smell is putrid! ha ha

I want new skates but I can't seem to bring myself to buy new ones...I don't know why. I don't know if it's the money, or the sentiment...(by the way Deb our team captain has skates and derby equipment for great prices so hit her up :) ) I love that my skates are old and beaten to a pulp! I couldn't bear to buy new skates and see them get ripped to shreds but at some point I guess I'm gonna have to.

Am I a creature of habit? Will I be on that Horders show?? I still have the same yucky mouthguard from over a year ago and I saw nice ones at Walmart for $3!!!! and I STILL didn't get it! If I can spend so much money on food, why can't I spare $3 for a mouthguard?? I have braces, so this should be important to me...weird...

Thursday, April 8, 2010

blood, thunder, NZ, wine

as the post-bout karaoke got better and better (worse and worse?) Cannibal Cookie summed it allllllll up "...i love roller derby, it's a worldwide network of people who don't give a fuck"

from the penalty box

i got friends all over the world now. there was this girl, let's call her "Maggie" she was over from the States, travelling around our big island nation in our far away hemisphere and she pops up in Brisbane town needing a place to stay and she get's one, for 2 weeks, wife included, cause she plays derby. oh it's a beautiful thing!
when i retire, i plan to travel the world being led by the invitations of the derby sorority. see how far that gets me. i would like to go to Spain and Japan.

(upon further investigation: Japan NEVER STOPPED playing roller derby! but maybe they ain't quite WFTDA though - a "roller derby Spain" search led to

a link to a dating site that was actually an ad for a flight centre...i think. due to my inherit lack of interest in researching anything i could end up freekin anywhere. joy!)

i went to NEW ZEALAND last week! Blood & Thunder 4 day training camp. i came back a new derby girl.

lower! LOWER!!!!

1 - i grew up in the country, nature girl here misses her trees but forgets to leave the city on a regular basis so that she can magically re-centre and energise just from seeing all the greenery - NZ is BEAUTIFUL.
2 - week off work - fucking HOORAY
3 - the skate rink was freekin 20 metres from the beach! fucking GLORIOUS
4 - i did a jump turn on a half pipe!!!!! (highlight of trip)
5 - oh and i got really good training from some really good coaches and players.

i realised that i've become pretty complacent skating with the same old crew every week. being a good derby player is hard work, but it gets to a

point where you are kinda going through the motions. being a kick-arse, other-derby-girl-impressin', game-changing, violent goddess of rolling shoes is not something you can sit around day-dreaming about if you ever hope to live it. i'm back on the intense train of pushing it after seeing some really impressive skaters.

i spent most of day 1 trying to figure out if Suzy Hotrod from Gotham was wearing some sort of butt-enhancer. no, she "works out". i started thinking that the training was mostly aimed at an intermediate sort of level, but for me (feeling a little advanced) i really got to solidify techniques and felt like a i got a lot of "icing on the cake" err so to speak. by which i mean, while i felt like a knew a lot of what was being taught already, there were all these teensy tips and tricks and strategies, that were i a newer skater, probably wouldn't have meant much, and all added up so that by the end, and back at SSRG scrimmage last night, i was brimming with derby education...oh's getting all over the floor! i'm dripping the knowledge all over the kitchen guys, sorry, watch your step!

it's all a bit too mammoth to go into right here right now, but let me tell you: Quadzilla has cool as fuck gold-plated plates (oh and some okay moves i guess;), Carmen Getsome (also from Rat City) is an amazing derby machine. Head ref Hanging Chad (where's he from? i don't know) is the ultimate in knowledge, temperament and assurance.

aw, goodbye signing of the polka dot dress

morning after camp...
Ladykiller: how's you're groin?
Kinky Rinky: it hurts. how's your groin?
Ladykiller: it hurts
Rouge: it reeeally hurts when i cough! waaaaaaaaaaaah!

so me n Ladykiller n Kinky Rinky then drove across beautiful, but nauseating mountain ranges to hot springs to soak our tired bodies and then we found

a motel and drank delicious, delicious NZ wine......
guys...guys! FUCK! after this bottle...and the next bottle...we've only got like TWO more bottles!!!

Monday, April 5, 2010

In the MEAN Time....

I look at today.......I try to remind myself on what happend in the yesturday..... constinitly working on not counting on tommarow.......trying my best not to drowned in my sorrows.....or hers for that matter......

See its ok to take a "trip" every once and a while.......just as long as you come back......Its not ok to deny the leasons of the past.......I think its alright when you just don't wanna fight anymore......pretty sure hiding behind your lies is not doing you or anybody any good......not that i am one to judge.........just one to observe the truth......

Its not fair.....well guess what its not a carnival either.....we need to get over it "soul sista" figure it out......its your battle but its my does that time to ask questions......just in-time to find the answers.....if you dare.....

In the MEAN time i will stand by mine......speak my peace.....and insert foot when needed......In the Mean time i will be loyal to myself......not worry about personal paper is so temporary.......i need to realize that i am wealthy in many other aspects of life.....In the Mean time i must obide by the signs if givin.....even if im spinning....

What would you do in your Mean time??? You keep telling me....there comes a time when words are just words....just what would you do in your Mean Time???? Tag- Now its your turn-

just a thought....
perhaps a little to ponder...
Much Derby Love
Karma: aka-Karmic Recall 911

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Do it on all 4's!

So did everyone hear that Ricky Martin is officially gay? I wasn't surprised...but he's still hott!! Wooo Livin La Vida Loca!

Anyways, so I was watching the Winter Olympics, Curling? a sport? really? Isn't that just a broom pushing a big hockey puck around?? I don't know, but did anyone check out speed skating? Holy Moly that is awesome! I can't possibly imagine how fast they go! I have fantasies of them teaching me their ways and jamming for our team and no one can touch me because I am too fast! WOO!

So I find it really amazing how many things you can do with 4 wheels under your feet...we can derby, figure skate, and apparently dance skate, and in some instances the skills stay for a long time!

My team and I went to the local skating rink on a rainy night and I'm skating trying to dodge all the little kids and they fall all over the place and I'm like trying to get past the lady that is about to fall on and crush her own child, then I see two men enter the rink and they start flying! I mean they are gliding around and dancing and moon walking and doing crazy dance skating was awesome! So skate session is over and these older ladies walk in all decked out in sequence and sparkles and tan tights and they start busting like triple axles and spinning fast and I was like woah!

I went for fun to a skate rink In Cerritos, CA and it was nothing but people dance skating, like the movie Roll Bounce with Lil' Bow Wow...I was embarassed! These broads can drop it like its hot and can skate like MO FO!!! they were like crip walking on skates and going super fast and popping their bootys and making out with a dude all on skates! 4 itty bitty wooden wheels... some glue them to their street shoes! It was totally rad and I was trying to recruit some of the girls but they were like break dancing on skates so it was hard to get a word in...

I just think it's so awesome what 4 wheels under my feet can do!

Looking for a team to join?
Join ME and the Renegade Rollergirls So Cal! email for info:

Friday, March 26, 2010

Finding a balance in life and roller derby

So I have said it before and I will say it again - my two favorite and most descriptively true roller derby quotes are "roller derby saved my soul" and "roller derby ruined my life."

It has consistently been hard for me to find a balance with roller derby and my life. Being in a league takes up a lot of time and energy, aside from the training to be a great athlete part; the meetings, the event planning, the endless volunteer work, it all takes time.

When I first joined the league I am in, five years ago, I suffocated myself within a year and a half. I was the head of the sponsorship committee, I was doing league work on my lunch breaks, and I was taking time off work during the middle of the week to do things like fly to Las Vegas for potential, yet non-wielding, sponsors. I was skating almost every day either at practice or outside, I wasn't eating right or taking vitamins and protein shakes, I wasn't getting enough sleep, I wasn't doing any cross training or injury prevention, and I hardly ever sat out or missed a practice or a beach skate simply because I was hurt or not feeling good.

And boy did I pay the price for being wreckless. An injury from a fall on a beach skate hospitalized me with staff infection. I had to have surgery and was on an IV for ten days, after which I spent three months having a home nurse come to my house and change my bandage as my leg healed. While all this was going on everything else in my life that I had been ignoring fell apart as well. I lost my job, my living situation fell through, a close family member died.

I ended up being MIA from derby for the next two years. I was still on the message boards and showed up at games now and then, and I was skating on my own at home, but I wasn't going to practice and I had lost touch with everyone. I was too busy trying to get the life that I had let fall apart, back in order.

In the end, everything happens for a reason. As I have worked to get my life back together, I was able to work roller derby into my life plan. I am back in touch with my league and on the teams that I have always wanted to be on. With my first game from both teams out of the way I am looking forward to the rest of this year. I just need to remember to continue to keep a balance between my life and roller derby, so that I never have to be MIA for two years again!

Kali Katt

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Is there a Priest in the house?

Seriously.. I think we need one.

I am Irish, and Catholic..and we Irish are fond of 3 things (use your imagination), in no particular order. Aside from that, we are also heavy into our religion, and our own moms have no problem laying a big dose of that repressed Irish Catholic guilt on us.

So that being said..I believe in signs, and sacred things, and curses..

Our rink needs a priest. Really. It is cursed.

Well just this one particular area on the floor.

I stood over it tonight after the latest lil spill and recited the only prayer that came to mind.
Was it a heart wrenching Our Father? Perhaps a somber Hail Mary? prayer was part made up out of fear, and part of my love of the Boondock Saints. (That's some Irish Golden Cinema iffin ya don't know)

"Please Dear Beloved Rink floor, you are made of awesome and epic and win..Please don't eat me and sacrifice me to the skate deities like you have taken so many of my sisters before me..In nomine Patris, et Filii, et Spiritus Sancti"

And then I did the sign of the cross..seriously.

Yeah ima dork!

You think i'm jokin, right? WRONG!!!

Case in point..mock jam for TV, Boom Boom Pow falls and breaks her tailbone, Rearview just last practice fell and rolled a couple of times, there was a tense couple of minutes while we waited for her to get up... Sweet Asylum is down with a bad shoulder sprain, Booty Galore, Va Va Doom, & Vicious Trauma have fallen prey to that one area of rink floor numerous times, but lived to skate on.

Myself, I was skating along pretty good even for me, talking to Piretta, and just for no reason I fell flat on my face when I reached that area. Her response "Did you mean to do that or did you fall?" My retort.. "No Asshat...when do you ever see me purposely fall FLAT ON MY FACE?"

Tonight was no exception.Broken Halo took a hand to the nose hard in a jam,leaving her a bit dazed and definitely red nosed and probably bruised..same area of the rink... Lottie Dottie was skating along in a jam, and I can't even describe what she did, but needless to say, the rink was echoing with her tears and screams of pain. We now know she has broken the head of her fibula.

Same area in the floor.

Our fresh meat was practicing just a few feet could see the fear in their eyes. I think it shook them worse than it shook Lottie.

We've examined the floor, it appears normal, nice and smooth, nothing sticking to the floor, no irregularities, our skates run across it smoothly..

Is it some rollergirl Bermuda Triangle, eating passing rollergirls?

Is it cursed? Does it need to be blessed? Exorcised?

That's where the priest comes in.

In nomine Patris, et Filii, et Spiritus Sancti.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Wow! I'm short.

So idk if anyone's seen the hilarious picture of Sugar Crash (the site owner) and I...but it made me realize...there is some tall ass women out there! Maybe this sounds dumb but I seriously never thought girls were taller then 5'10!! The more I watch derby, the more I see all the height differences. Just an interesting observation.

I was in a bout with the San Diego Renegades and this girl had to be like 6 feet tall and I was literally having to jumping to try and bump her, I think if a tried to hip check her...I'd hit her knees haha.

Well, no point in this blog really other than just a funny obeservation from a 5 foot tall person.

Monday, March 22, 2010

A wish apon a star!!!!!!

Although rollerderby has brought many possitive aspects to my life.......It has also brought out the negative......basic rule of can not have the good with out the bad....... my friends......its called balance......

Drama......The personal drama has to be the it it being pre it whatever you will......the worst part about it is when you have so many people in power and everyone has already pin pointed you out to be .........then its you against the world in the love of rollerderby.......

You try to put a larger amount (15-60 give or take) of females.....of strong willed females together and you sit back and watch what happens......its all part of the sport.....its the good and the bad.......but sometimes a person can only take so much disrespect before they completly loose it......

When i joined this sport 5 years ago i knew exactly what i was getting myself into......but i saw .....i see so much more than most......I saw a possibility to create a bond with people......a bond with others that sacrificed as much as you do in order to be involved in something so self seficiant......something so beautiful as rollerderby........

my wish is to find a team of females that share the same love as i do.......the same respect as me for this sport......and everything it stands for.......some equality would be concentrate on not segrigating a team.....the clicks will be eliminated.......and there shall be no sides....everyone is on the same page........focused on the bigger picture.....there would be absolutly no exceptions to the matter what.......we all follow the same rules matter how matter how matter have to be last but not like a sister would trust another sister with a pinky that is so unbrakable there would be no second guessing anything....

This is how i would like the world to view rollerderby....this is what i see....the possibility....a group of die hard athletes just making thier way across country.....doing what they love and loving what they do.......accepting the everything.......compromising along the way......only in knowing that it will all be worth something more...... one day.......

much derby love

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Some guys have a fear of commitment..

They are the source of countless magazine articles, jokes, jabs and cry fests..we are taught by our mothers and gal pals how to avoid those wastes of our time.

You can't be in a relationship, where your doing all the work, constantly trying to make ends meet,and the other person doesn't feel the same way about you.

It's one sided.

You know where I'm going with this don't you? You see what I'm building to?

Derby girl wannabe's. They are just like guys with commitment issues.You do all the work. They let you down, they make promises they don't intend to keep....

I let my team pick my topic this week..this is what they chose.

Excuse me while I get up on my soapbox for a bit. (yeah so now I'm like 6ft8)

I've been told before, that everybody has a place in derby, even the girls that just wanna wear the cute clothes and promote, but don't want to skate. Now while I agree with that, what I don't agree with, is having a group of girls, who have their sweat equity in a team, drop their lives, leave their kids and their significant others at home 3 to 4 times a week to come together to form a cohesive team that kicks ass, be disrupted constantly by the girls with commitment issues.

Explanation? So you come to practice once a week instead of the 3 times we do. Or out of 3 weeks we see your smiling face 1 time, What does that do for us as a team? We learn to skate as a fluid unit, we learn each others movements and abilities. We are a solid team. Then you come in.. your out of shape, your winded, when you trip up you trip everybody else up. Honestly, it is a pure lack of courtesy and disrespect to your teammates. It is as if your saying "I can do whatever I want, I'm an entitled special snowflake." It's like your flipping the bird to our sacrifices away from our own family and personal life for this sport we call derby.

You cant show a pure lack of commitment, show up when you feel like it, be out of shape, screw everybody up and parade around in your jersey and say your a derby girl.That really makes you nothing but a casual skater who happens to have one of our shirts. That makes you a fan. Not a derby girl.

While we all understand family takes priority, it's hard to take someone seriously when their MySpace and Facebook statuses for weeks and days go on about their exploits, and when their having the time of their lives or being comical while we all are busting our asses then stroll in for one practice and bitch about how hard it is, sorry doll, it's hard to feel pity for you.

We don't have time for it, and we don't need it. Join Curves for Women if your fond of female sport interaction in a circular pattern, not derby.

You have to ask this what I want in my life? Is this what I want for myself? Because derby isn't just about putting on the skates and the jersey and sneering in front of a camera. It's also about committing yourself to off skate endurance training, good eating habits, and for hell and be damned SHOW UP TO PRACTICE!!

If you can do all of these things, and you decide to make that sort of inner sacrifice and inner commitment, then your ready to be an effective player for your team. For me, on my last team the last 3 months, I never wore my jersey. I made every practice, But never wore my jersey. I wasn't committed to them anymore, and I felt I didn't deserve to wear that jersey. ( I guess that was my own way of telling myself it's time to roll out, just didn't listen.) Now, I wear a version of a GCRG T-shirt/jersey EVERYWHERE. I got out of shape because I lacked commitment when I left my other team. Now I watch what I eat, and I'm trying to get back into a regimented workout program.


Because I don't want to be a wannabe.. I wanna be that back wall of a blocker your not gonna get past..Once I honestly asked myself the question of "How would my life be without derby" I was not pleased with the answer.. I reached a level of inner commitment, that frankly, is kicking my ass. Sometimes, like tonight, I wonder what the hell have I gotten myself into? My coach discovered the secret to my excessively slow skating. I always assumed it was my fear of falling because I injured myself. No. I fall all the time without pads and I think it's funny.
My problem is it takes me way longer than 3 seconds to get back up. I'm like a big knuckled clumsy gorilla. So I skate slow so I wont fall, and nobody will see me McGilla Gorilla it.So as everybody else enjoyed their sprints and queen of the rink and jams and such tonight, I spent the entire practice going up and down the side of the rink throwing myself down, and getting back up. Did I cry? Yes, Because my leg muscles hated me. Would it have been way easier to say screw this, and just be a ref who doesn't have to skate fast? Yes. So why didn't I give up? Because I am committed to being valuable to my team. I am committed to myself. I will be there every practice. Even though the apparent plan is for me to be throwing myself down for the next 2 weeks...I will be there.

It frikkin SUCKS!!!

But, I won't bitch about it, I will suck it up and put on my big girl booty shorts..because this is a commitment I am determined to see through.

And judging by the topic my team mates were so adamant I blog about today, I am not the only one with a rock solid commitment to derby and this team..

"There is no glory in practice, but without practice there is no glory."


(This is a universal problem that spans all derby teams. It's not singling any one particular person out on my team per se, but it is meant as a blanket statement, a reality slap if you will, to anybody who shows up when they feel like it..your doing your team no good. There is no I in Team.)

Monday, March 15, 2010

Things that make you go HMMMMM........

I am more than ok with what I have and haven't done in my life
You may never see what I something I just can't teach!!!Yet I have learned so many things to pass on.......forgive and forget..... now thats just may forgive but you should never forget........You will only forget yourself in the process.....
The more fire you play with......the more you tend to get burned......learned that one many scars down this crazy road of life......
Play the game or be played this is what I like to refer to as "reality" in the same breath......"money isn't everything" contridicting as it may seem but again all a part of "reality".......
Love is what you make it....."it" meaning all the drama and bull.......Its so much more........more than any words could ever much beyond just "making it"
Ignorance is it really.......The truth lies in the eye of the beholder......what if the beholder was born with out eyes........the truth is far beyond just attention to the signs and you'll see.........
Illusion always causes confusion.....but your intuition will never change.....have faith in yourself and everything fake will be erased!!!!!
Believe it and it shall be.......nothing wrong with chasing your dreams.............Must not forget about the fight........what ever fight that may be..........choose your battles wisley my aware of the scars left in the end........
Stop and smell the may not get another chance.......lets face it tomarrow is not promised........and as far as time goes..............time doesn't owe you a thing..........regret the things you didn't do...not the things you have already been thro.........
Strong believer in taking a the last dance so to speak........Last but not of my main goals in my life was to always be remembered....but that has changed.....I will accept nothing less than unforgetable......when they speak my name!!!!

Much Derby Love

Thursday, March 11, 2010


bad week.
bad week, but good header, yeh?
later...this is all getting a bit too personal. tune in quick before i realise how much this is actually should just start with - Dear Diary, i really hope no one ever finds the key to you and reads all this stuff that i only tell you, because you will never judge me, right? - and delete everything except the bad week bit...
i saw Dinosaur Jr a few nights ago - they were more rockin than i was anticipating and J Mascis, more understated than i thought a rock star could ever get - the very reason i like the band. the one line i've sung since i remember- you know the song line where you're all "oh fuck - strum my freekin pain why don't you - it's like they reached into my god damn soul for those lyrics OH!"; i feel the pain of everyone, and then i feel nothing. not exactly the cup runnething over with the heady floral arrangement of emotion that others might consider the deepest reflection of their soul, but it describes the way i run. right now i feel nothing. nothing at all.
first bout of the SSRG season in 1 sleeps time...
i'm going in as not-captain. i'm going to try to keep my mouth shut and my head in check, not too much swearing at the other team. i'm worried that not being in a position of responsibility will give me the long leash to finally totally lose my shit (punch someone/anyone in the face right now? don't mind if i do). but probably not. i'm going to be in my usual quietly confident Liquorice Short Shorts are going to seep blood from the pores of their skin as soon as they fall under my gaze self, by whistle-blow, but right now...fuck...nothing. maybe some weird angry violent urges. i need sex.
UGH! stupid not heeding own advice

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

In the grand scheme of life..

...some stuff just doesn't matter..


I am gonna sorta follow Karma's lead, and go somewhat off topic. I admire her for having the cajones to do so..

I am going to answer a few questions about myself..that people have asked, and put to bed a few issues.

You've read my blog about me coming from another team, I did..why am I not there anymore?

Derby Drama.. plain and simple.

We all know it, we've all seen it, we have all experienced it. It sucks. It hurts, and it's counterproductive and usually filled with BS, and causes ill will between all sides involved,even long after it's over.

So what happened between me and that other team?

I was Terminated.

There, I said it... Terminated.

That's a hella big mouthful for me to say, I assure you.

The things I will say next, may be difficult for some people to read, or even learn about me, because many of you only knew me from the derby world,some post termination, so they were never privy to the details of my life and how I EXACTLY came to the derby life, just the abridged version, others have known me since I was small, and I never showed them that side of me. I kept it hidden. My inner turmoil was my own.

When I left that team, I said everything I was ever thinking, about everything, no matter the subject. I sounded like a lunatic.
But I had to get it off my chest, because holding it in for over a year, over every frikkin incident after stupid nitpicked inconsequential had built up and was making me hella bitter

But I sat in the shower not that long ago and had an epiphany of sorts, an absolution, if you will.

As I sat there, scalding water pelting my skin, steam taking my breath away. I realized, I am ok. I survived. I lived, it all made me stronger, and it just doesn't matter. It's all stupid. Your 36 years old. Who really cares?

I am ok with everything that went on with my first team.


Sure, it tore me to pieces then...but lets examine things.. shall we?

I was one effed up individual then.. Jarred had only been dead for less than 3 months. That exceptional child I adored,who had become my third child,and in turn, by befriending, and then later becoming a brother to my own natural son, he helped save my son from himself.You see, my son was on a bad path of self destruction due to his own emotional issues of bipolar, manic depression, ADHD and schizo affective disorder, the boy's relationship with each other had such a positive effect on my son, he was functioning normally in public school...I saw that Jarred become a statistic when I witnessed him pulled from the river that hot summer day. Everyone worried that my son would revert. He grew up, I think because his innocence was lost that day somewhere on the shore,however, to an extent..I think I lost a bit of my own sanity for a time being. It was shrouded in a thick veil of grief and sorrow and blame. Had he just been with me that day at the movies, everything would still be ok. I was standing at an abyss. I had lost alot of weight from simply not eating. I was trying to be like a rabbit.I was trying to will myself to die. A rabbit is the only animal that can do so. True Fact.

I was close to taking my own life many times. I lacked the courage and fortitude to do so. The grief was overwhelming. It was consuming.It was also incredibly selfish of me.

I joined that team, at my lowest point, emotionally and physically.As I have said before in my blog, (in case you forget,lol), Derby can break you, it damn near broke me. I held on to it for longer than I should, because I thought I needed it. I put up with more crap than I should, I went against my morals, principles, and ethics, the very way I was raised because I thought if I let it go, I would go back to that girl who wanted to take her own life over the loss of a child so dear to me. I would be back in the abyss. While I loved what derby stood for, the torment from the drama wasn't worth it anymore. I didn't like who I was anymore. I hated what I had become.

In life however, I never found my happy medium. I went from being a berserker, seriously, I would go off on you for looking at me wrong, that's before Jarred died (that's the bully I use to be, that I keep telling my girls about, and nobody seems to believe to being a whiny, crying, sobbing mess at the drop of a hat after he died. I never smiled at anything, never enjoyed life's simple pleasures anymore. Death makes you weird,I literally cried over everything,throw in normal derby drama, I took everything personally, and for me it was the end of the world, whereas before, anything I took personally then, ida went street rat crazy on you, and damned the repercussions. I blew it off, and whatever that person thought about it at the time..

But, now.. I really and truly am OK with everything.. I can say that with absolute honesty and clarity.

Why act like that? Why continue to subject myself to arguing and finger pointing and normal derby drama, it was pointless..why continue to make myself sick on a regular basis.Jarred wouldn't want me to live my life like this. He loved life, and being happy, and those around him. My husband use to beg me to give up derby, just smile again, just be happy..

I use to walk in that rink and instantly get sick. I wanted to either crap myself or throw up, I was more worried about being in trouble for stupid stuff,or what somebody decided they wanted to nitpick about this week, than my skating. I couldn't live like that anymore. I was going to quit anyway, literally, the day I was terminated, I slept until 5 minutes before I was to leave before practice, rolled over, looked at the clock and said "why bother, why make yourself more miserable" but my stubborn streak kicked in and I decided I would resign, not just be a call in quitter. I was terminated before I got that chance. I just wish it would have been on my own terms..The way they went about it is what pissed me off. What made me bitter, made me dwell on it.

But i'm not gonna point fingers, i'm not gonna rehash every single thing that ever went on in the course of a year.We don't have that much room here, and if we went to finger pointing, i'd have to point fingers in all different directions, including myself,it wouldn't be copacetic.

You never ever forget anyone you completely destroy, conversely, you never ever forget anyone who attempts to completely destroy you. But you learn from it.You can take 1 of 2 paths in life after a lesson like that, you can become bitter and embroiled, or you can become a compassionate, giving human being.

When I first founded GCRG, I did so for my love of derby, but it became apparent that was not an ideal situation, and we left that rink, due to very similar situations/personalities as my first team.When we started at our second rink, I was still shell shocked, still scared, still closed off to my girls. I suspected everybody of everything. It was all I knew of derby..that everyone was a suspect..

I think the first derby person who got through to me, had her work cut out for her. I love her for that, and I owe her quite a bit,nothing you can place a monetary value on, but through her friendship she has renewed my faith in the goodness of people.I started opening my eyes to people in general and saw nothing but good, hardworking honest to goodness friends surrounding me.I stopped warily looking at everybody through the peepholes of the protective walls I had built up around myself.
I gave up,I gave up trying to be guarded, and reserved and I gave up my bitterness.
But,I didn't "give up" per se,I just realized I don't need certain people and their crap and drama in my life anymore.

I gave up on them.

Because I forgave them,and I forgave myself for being an idiot and acting like a moron. I stopped beating myself up over everything, and just let it go. You can't come to terms with what you don't understand.
I've forgiven and worked past every crap thing that went on there,and every crap thing I said in response.

(Sometimes life just feels like endless repetitions of High School)

Because they were a stepping stone, without everything I learned there, I wouldn't be an effective and efficient Owner.

Because they made me stronger,I see now that not only do I have worth, I recognize the girls who are coming in to our program who have struggles and am better able to be there for them.

Because as I have said before,you should never regret anything, because it's exactly what you want at the time.

Had I not put up with the pain of all that loss and misery, I wouldn't be who I am now, with the friends and love and support I have surrounding me.

I don't cry anymore. Not over derby anyway.

I don't second guess anything about myself anymore.Except what stupid thing to wear, and maybe why my feet are independent of my brain.More importantly, I don't second guess my friends and their motives.

I treat my girls,my dearest friends, with compassion,and as equals. As I have said before, and will continue to say,you don't know what battles they are fighting in life, away from the rink. You may need them to lean on yourself someday, it sucks if you get knocked off your high horse, and you can't go back for help because you burned the bridge behind you.

I don't spend all my time in the bar anymore, partyin' hard and heavy trying to drown away my pain and grief. It only makes what ever demons your trying to hide from, all the more determined to get you.

So, in every sense of the words,I really have put it behind me. They made me more determined,the tears dried up, I have great girls I skate with now,had I stayed for more misery,i'd be still crying,still sick all the time,and I would never have the opportunity I have now to own my own rink. My man says "you found your smile again.." Had I stayed, I may not ever have found it.

I ran into one of the girls from my old team a few days ago. She said to me as she hugged me "It's good to see you happy, with a smile, cause your really scary when your radiate evil."

I literally had to bark laugh at that..

So to my first team..I thank you for everything you've helped shaped me to become now. To quote the song "Makes me that much stronger,makes me work that much harder, makes me that much wiser, so thanks for making me a fighter"

Do I want ya'll to succeed?

Yes I do...

Yeah I know what I said when I left, but that was then,this is now. Because if ya'll succeed,then we succeed,it means derby has a place in this area.

You've worked and trained hard, you deserve success.

Good luck in your season opener ladies...

You girls will rock it..I just know it.

So in conclusion,

I survived, not just my first team experience, but losing Jarred at the bottom of the river, and damn near losing my freaking mind with grief,I am all the better for it. I learned to function again,I am strong, stronger than I even knew, I think.

Everybody else..I leave you with something found written on Jarred's wall the day after he died..

"Smile..your alive!!"