somewhere between foraging for food and having tiny flowers painted on false, plastic fingernails, something's been forgotten. this makes me uncomfortable.
sitting at a desk for 8 hours out of 24 makes me really quite anxious.
i predict that the bodies and minds of anyone born from 2032 onwards will be made to sit at desks, staring at screens for 8 hours out of 24, but right now, i am still primitive. my body and mind are made for survival.
i love eating, drinking, sleeping, fucking and fighting (in a fighting-against-the-boundaries-of-my-body sorta way, not a punching-some-jerk-in-a-bar-cause-he's-being-rude-to-my-friend kinda way...although that may have happened just one time) and attracting my mates by putting on ridiculous shows of public humiliation.
i think I'd make a pretty good cave-wife (apart from my tendency to use big words).
there are these inexorable curiosities in me that need to know that if i had to fight for my life, i'd at least be able to give it a pretty good shot.
but if i lived my life by the word of the cave-wife, in this day and age, i wouldn't be washing my hair with the pricey, ultra-moisturising hair products that make me feel so pretty that's for sure. picture more sexually transmitted disease ridden, in n outa prison livin, park lady with the crazy-eye by 28, instead of amiable, graphic designer with a clean bill of health.
so maybe most people are a fair bit more evolved than me and are fine with the way things are, but i didn't get a choice in the matter, so i play the roller derby, where i'm allowed to let the cave-wife within take control.
i get to find out that i can withstand physical pain and admit that i like knowing it. i'm supposed to hit people as hard as i can.
i'm given the opportunity to see how much i can give and take physically, mentally and emotionally (cause you and i both know that if the determination wasn't there, there's no way my body is picking itself off the floor after the sixteen thousandth massive hit that i didn't see coming cause i was distracted thinking about what a jerk every one i've ever been in a relationship with is, how many days until i get a proper nights sleep again and why exactly i bought tequila shots for 6 people i'd only just met, last weekend when i hadn't done grocery shopping yet and now i have to eat baked beans all week again.
i like that when i'm focused on playing i switch into a much more comfortable mode where i am acting on my impulses rather than 3 days of torturous thought on whether to txt or call and if i do either, should i use the phrase "do you want to..." or "it would be cool if we..."?.
i like that my strength and size is being used for more than just making me feel uncomfortable about buying jeans.
i love it when i use my peripheral vision and judgement of speed within 2 seconds to make a certain distance and take down my opposition. it's likehunting...and dammit! the tribe's eating meat tonight!!
i love that people pay good money to watch me satiate my animal instincts, and that it's accepted and applauded because i smile and obey rules and wear stockings and makeup and so they recognise me as a (basically) regular 21st century woman.
i really love it that i can admit that i am still primative and act on the impulses that i spend repressing most other times.
and i especially love it that after 3 (or something) years of obsession, sweat and pain and then a relaxing 6 week break over xmas/summer -
i might have been starting to think that maybe i wanted inconveniently long fingernails and to spend a bit more time dissecting why he said "do you want to come over?" instead of "I want you to come over", maybe the cave-wife got a bit distracted by the thought of a lazy sunday afternoon beers and a dvd with non-derby friends instead of the muscles in my thighs feeling like burning...
- but it only took a single scrimmage session, last night to release the beast and make me feel more human than anything else in my life does.
the Sun State Roller Girls are back in session...and we'll be eating meat all year round if La Mort Rouge has anything to do with it
