Wednesday, March 10, 2010

In the grand scheme of life..

...some stuff just doesn't matter..

Ever..

I am gonna sorta follow Karma's lead, and go somewhat off topic. I admire her for having the cajones to do so..

I am going to answer a few questions about myself..that people have asked, and put to bed a few issues.


You've read my blog about me coming from another team, I did..why am I not there anymore?

Derby Drama.. plain and simple.

We all know it, we've all seen it, we have all experienced it. It sucks. It hurts, and it's counterproductive and usually filled with BS, and causes ill will between all sides involved,even long after it's over.

So what happened between me and that other team?

I was Terminated.

There, I said it... Terminated.

That's a hella big mouthful for me to say, I assure you.

The things I will say next, may be difficult for some people to read, or even learn about me, because many of you only knew me from the derby world,some post termination, so they were never privy to the details of my life and how I EXACTLY came to the derby life, just the abridged version, others have known me since I was small, and I never showed them that side of me. I kept it hidden. My inner turmoil was my own.

When I left that team, I said everything I was ever thinking, about everything, no matter the subject. I sounded like a lunatic.
But I had to get it off my chest, because holding it in for over a year, over every frikkin incident after stupid nitpicked inconsequential incident....it had built up and was making me hella bitter

But I sat in the shower not that long ago and had an epiphany of sorts, an absolution, if you will.

As I sat there, scalding water pelting my skin, steam taking my breath away. I realized, I am ok. I survived. I lived, it all made me stronger, and it just doesn't matter. It's all stupid. Your 36 years old. Who really cares?

I am ok with everything that went on with my first team.

Really.

Sure, it tore me to pieces then...but lets examine things.. shall we?

I was one effed up individual then.. Jarred had only been dead for less than 3 months. That exceptional child I adored,who had become my third child,and in turn, by befriending, and then later becoming a brother to my own natural son, he helped save my son from himself.You see, my son was on a bad path of self destruction due to his own emotional issues of bipolar, manic depression, ADHD and schizo affective disorder, the boy's relationship with each other had such a positive effect on my son, he was functioning normally in public school...I saw that Jarred become a statistic when I witnessed him pulled from the river that hot summer day. Everyone worried that my son would revert. He grew up, I think because his innocence was lost that day somewhere on the shore,however, to an extent..I think I lost a bit of my own sanity for a time being. It was shrouded in a thick veil of grief and sorrow and blame. Had he just been with me that day at the movies, everything would still be ok. I was standing at an abyss. I had lost alot of weight from simply not eating. I was trying to be like a rabbit.I was trying to will myself to die. A rabbit is the only animal that can do so. True Fact.

I was close to taking my own life many times. I lacked the courage and fortitude to do so. The grief was overwhelming. It was consuming.It was also incredibly selfish of me.

I joined that team, at my lowest point, emotionally and physically.As I have said before in my blog, (in case you forget,lol), Derby can break you, it damn near broke me. I held on to it for longer than I should, because I thought I needed it. I put up with more crap than I should, I went against my morals, principles, and ethics, the very way I was raised because I thought if I let it go, I would go back to that girl who wanted to take her own life over the loss of a child so dear to me. I would be back in the abyss. While I loved what derby stood for, the torment from the drama wasn't worth it anymore. I didn't like who I was anymore. I hated what I had become.

In life however, I never found my happy medium. I went from being a berserker, seriously, I would go off on you for looking at me wrong, that's before Jarred died (that's the bully I use to be, that I keep telling my girls about, and nobody seems to believe me..lol).. to being a whiny, crying, sobbing mess at the drop of a hat after he died. I never smiled at anything, never enjoyed life's simple pleasures anymore. Death makes you weird,I literally cried over everything,throw in normal derby drama, I took everything personally, and for me it was the end of the world, whereas before, anything I took personally then, ida went street rat crazy on you, and damned the repercussions. I blew it off, and whatever that person thought about it at the time..

But, now.. I really and truly am OK with everything.. I can say that with absolute honesty and clarity.

Why act like that? Why continue to subject myself to arguing and finger pointing and normal derby drama, it was pointless..why continue to make myself sick on a regular basis.Jarred wouldn't want me to live my life like this. He loved life, and being happy, and those around him. My husband use to beg me to give up derby, just smile again, just be happy..

I use to walk in that rink and instantly get sick. I wanted to either crap myself or throw up, I was more worried about being in trouble for stupid stuff,or what somebody decided they wanted to nitpick about this week, than my skating. I couldn't live like that anymore. I was going to quit anyway, literally, the day I was terminated, I slept until 5 minutes before I was to leave before practice, rolled over, looked at the clock and said "why bother, why make yourself more miserable" but my stubborn streak kicked in and I decided I would resign, not just be a call in quitter. I was terminated before I got that chance. I just wish it would have been on my own terms..The way they went about it is what pissed me off. What made me bitter, made me dwell on it.

But i'm not gonna point fingers, i'm not gonna rehash every single thing that ever went on in the course of a year.We don't have that much room here, and if we went to finger pointing, i'd have to point fingers in all different directions, including myself,it wouldn't be copacetic.

You never ever forget anyone you completely destroy, conversely, you never ever forget anyone who attempts to completely destroy you. But you learn from it.You can take 1 of 2 paths in life after a lesson like that, you can become bitter and embroiled, or you can become a compassionate, giving human being.

When I first founded GCRG, I did so for my love of derby, but it became apparent that was not an ideal situation, and we left that rink, due to very similar situations/personalities as my first team.When we started at our second rink, I was still shell shocked, still scared, still closed off to my girls. I suspected everybody of everything. It was all I knew of derby..that everyone was a suspect..

I think the first derby person who got through to me, had her work cut out for her. I love her for that, and I owe her quite a bit,nothing you can place a monetary value on, but through her friendship she has renewed my faith in the goodness of people.I started opening my eyes to people in general and saw nothing but good, hardworking honest to goodness friends surrounding me.I stopped warily looking at everybody through the peepholes of the protective walls I had built up around myself.
I gave up,I gave up trying to be guarded, and reserved and I gave up my bitterness.
But,I didn't "give up" per se,I just realized I don't need certain people and their crap and drama in my life anymore.

I gave up on them.

Because I forgave them,and I forgave myself for being an idiot and acting like a moron. I stopped beating myself up over everything, and just let it go. You can't come to terms with what you don't understand.
I've forgiven and worked past every crap thing that went on there,and every crap thing I said in response.

(Sometimes life just feels like endless repetitions of High School)

Because they were a stepping stone, without everything I learned there, I wouldn't be an effective and efficient Owner.

Because they made me stronger,I see now that not only do I have worth, I recognize the girls who are coming in to our program who have struggles and am better able to be there for them.

Because as I have said before,you should never regret anything, because it's exactly what you want at the time.

Had I not put up with the pain of all that loss and misery, I wouldn't be who I am now, with the friends and love and support I have surrounding me.

I don't cry anymore. Not over derby anyway.

I don't second guess anything about myself anymore.Except what stupid thing to wear, and maybe why my feet are independent of my brain.More importantly, I don't second guess my friends and their motives.

I treat my girls,my dearest friends, with compassion,and as equals. As I have said before, and will continue to say,you don't know what battles they are fighting in life, away from the rink. You may need them to lean on yourself someday, it sucks if you get knocked off your high horse, and you can't go back for help because you burned the bridge behind you.

I don't spend all my time in the bar anymore, partyin' hard and heavy trying to drown away my pain and grief. It only makes what ever demons your trying to hide from, all the more determined to get you.

So, in every sense of the words,I really have put it behind me. They made me more determined,the tears dried up, I have great girls I skate with now,had I stayed for more misery,i'd be still crying,still sick all the time,and I would never have the opportunity I have now to own my own rink. My man says "you found your smile again.." Had I stayed, I may not ever have found it.

I ran into one of the girls from my old team a few days ago. She said to me as she hugged me "It's good to see you happy, with a smile, cause your really scary when your unhappy..you radiate evil."

I literally had to bark laugh at that..

So to my first team..I thank you for everything you've helped shaped me to become now. To quote the song "Makes me that much stronger,makes me work that much harder, makes me that much wiser, so thanks for making me a fighter"

Do I want ya'll to succeed?

Yes I do...

Yeah I know what I said when I left, but that was then,this is now. Because if ya'll succeed,then we succeed,it means derby has a place in this area.

You've worked and trained hard, you deserve success.

Good luck in your season opener ladies...

You girls will rock it..I just know it.

So in conclusion,

I survived, not just my first team experience, but losing Jarred at the bottom of the river, and damn near losing my freaking mind with grief,I am all the better for it. I learned to function again,I am strong, stronger than I even knew, I think.

Everybody else..I leave you with something found written on Jarred's wall the day after he died..

"Smile..your alive!!"