I use to be a REALLY fat chick.
Now i'm just chubby,chunky, fluffy..whatever the word you wanna use. I have the tell tale signs on me from formerly being huge, and losing it..nothing a few grand and a lil table time with a plastic surgeon couldn't fix..but eh, it's me, you either like me, for me, or you don't, the looks is just the packaging.
I was ok being a fat chick. I got winded alot.. and tired, and lazy...
But eventually something clicks. Something about social power, and semiotics, and lifestyle fantasy. Derby being my fantasy..my new lifestyle..and the social power it brings..
WAIT!!! But what's semiotics you ask? They break down into 3 branches:
* Semantics: Relation between signs and the things to which they refer;
* Syntactics: Relations among signs in formal structures
* Pragmatics: Relation between signs and their effects on those who use them
The feminist movement used to talk about "click" moments. Moments in which you sense something falling into place. (Being a gigantic wilder-beast on skates and how proud I was to say it was me and my fat ass who knocked that bitch down and then saying that I was BORN to play this sport because I was fat, and how everyone applauded my exploits, instead of perhaps saying I discovered that if I just propel myself forward and keep the screaming that I am going to die in my head,and the look of sheer terror off my face, nobody will ever know that excellent take down was purely by accident and I was really trying to save my dental work:CLICK!)
Something about the shifting boundary between fat and unfat. Who is which? Fat is a social identity. It is interesting that I call myself The Fat Girl now, because I am only The Fat Girl to myself.To others I am the giant amazon chick. When I first started at the company i'm at now, we had a different Fat Girl. But she wore ugly lifeless boxy unflattering clothes and looked like she was waiting to have the shit kicked out of her. (I also did the former, but not the latter: I looked like I would cut you and leave you to bleed out before your children if you kicked me). She was weird.She had no social skills, she smelled funny. She was The Fat Girl, not me, and people made fun of her. I made fun of her too at the time, before I learned how badly words can hurt, though not for being fat.
Sometimes now (often?) I don't even feel like a Fat Person, in the way that means "abnormal, subhuman." But more than ever, I socially identify as a Fat Person.
I will always be, in my head.. a Fat Girl.
A Fat Derby Girl.
Which brings me to my point...
I let myself get out of shape. My husband told me about 6 months ago, before GCRG fell apart, he saw things I refused to see.. and he told me "you either ref, and run the team. or you skate, and give the team to them" (them being the *cough* coup leaders) He told me I can't do both. So I kept my team. I let myself get slow and lazy, didnt keep up with my supplements and my conditioning.Then add in a fantastic knee injury.. I struggle now.
But I don't struggle as bad as when I was huge..
But, I will get there.
But this isn't about me. Although I have done a fine job of making it so...
You know those fat bottomed girls you have on your team? You know who I am talking about. The ones who struggle through 25 in 5's, through their 10/4's. Who suck at endurance in the heat. Who need extra help with everything...
They want to be there, they want to contribute, they want to better themselves. Instead of telling them "why don't you just be a ref.." say something like "I see your trying, and let's see if I can help you..." Or even "Why don't you ref, or become a stat packer,WHILE your working on being a bitchin ass blocker, cause we need you out their girl." (derby girls who have been refs first, have a fantastic understanding of the game btw)... why not words of encouragement. Why not take the time to make them feel like they are vital to the team. Take a few minutes and visit with them..drop them a line. Let them know they aren't some hindrance to the team, holding everybody back.
Because while we know they really are not.. because we are all mostly concerned with getting our own shit done..a lifetime of weight issues and self image issues, puts a crap shitload of stuff in a girls head..
Don't add to it..
Besides.. todays fat bottomed girls struggling through practice, may be next seasons bad ass back blockers... clearing the way for you like Moses through the Red Sea..
And you slighted them...
Goes back to that subhuman feeling...
Everybody has a place.. Even the Fat Bottomed Girls.